I am One Hundred and Three

No.

That’s a lie, this blog is actually now 31 days old. I have tried my best to make a post every day, ‘cept sometimes have been over socialized and want to do nothing more than hide in a corner and stare at nothing-ness. I’ve been doing something similar since my last post; Playing Sims 4 until I feel like I want to puke.

This upcoming Saturday, I will be forced to go to a …I don’t know what to call it, its not a viewing since the person has been cremated – its not a wake/vigil because as far as I know, its not being held at the mourner’s home; its being held at a lodge. Do I bring Vodka and a Cake? I’m honestly confused – in the many experiences of funerals I’ve been to – this one will be a first where I don’t know what is acceptable. I technically don’t even NEED to go but I HAVE to go in order to support the person taking me/ His boss. It would be wrong to take my laptop to play the Sims 4 – I know that, but I wonder if it would be wrong if I take my camera and take some shots of people grieving. Hmm…I don’t think I want to buy Alcohol; OH A CARD! DUH!

Ugh – but that means I have to go outside and spend money.
I don’t want to go outside!
Its cheaper to make a loaf of Banana bread than to buy a grievance card – and then I have to choose either religious or something ambiguously friendly. Why the hell do cards have to cost so much money?! I want to just get some sparkles, black ribbon – make up some sad ass poem and put it on a plain 8 x 11 sheet of computer paper.

In other news Tomorrow at 2:15 in the after noon, I will be 29 years old; the people I know couldn’t believe their ears to hear this. I am not going to beat myself up (Here) about being a under achiever – I’ll do it later while I dream – or tomorrow as I eat cookie after untasty cookie for breakfast.(My grandmother seriously bought some bad tasting cookies and I love pretending to be a garbage can.)

Every year, since I turned 24? Or was it 25? I began celebrating my birthday all thought August till the end of September. I’d splurge on strange things, like one year I bought a steam mop for my birthday and the equivalent of 128 LBS of Kitty litter. I’m sure I bought something that I could actually enjoy that year – Oh yes a vacuum cleaner that broke not even a year later…Well THIS year I celebrated my birthday EVERYDAY. Ten dollars here, twelve dollars there on shirts. Shiny beads, ribbons, feathers and nail polish from eBay. OH! Last year a Herand statue that cost 136 and a chintz teacup. A Happy Unbirthday to Me, I love that song from Alice in Wonderland; I bought this shirt recently because I loved the topic, but I’m going to be honest; the execution of text and the way the Cheshire cat looks almost wrong. STILL there are teapots and a mouse. Hmm, I think this year might be the most expensive year of things I bought myself.  I am not proud of this.

 

{Link to shirt}

I wonder if – no – I am not a shop-a-holic. None of the recent items I have bought recently just accumulate dust, except my latest tea purchase. I don’t use sugar but this Bamboo tea needs SOMETHING to make it manageable – I think last time I dumped some cinnamon in it and it was OK. Can’t remember why I stopped drinking it.
Annnd the Clairsonic I bought recently –
although I feel extremely guilty spending the 212 –
It has successfully cleaned out most of my blackheads.

Was I going somewhere with this entry?
I have to go to the drugstore tomorrow and refill my birthcontrol – Not looking forward to ‘outside’ time; but I’ll be honest, fifty sit-ups is not enough exercise. Instead of cake, I never really get cake for my birthday, I buy some fancy cookies or pastry, ANYWAY. This year I went and bought two tubs of Ice cream; Spumoni and Birthday cake. I am so Ice creamed out and it wasn’t even eaten ON my birthday. Yesterday? Yea, yesterday, all I ate was Ice cream and bad tasting cookies – I didn’t eat all of it alone, Grandma helped, but its all gone now.

My lactose intolerance didn’t peak, but I feel this binge on my stomach and upper arms.

OK so I rambled – I didn’t have plans for this entry anyway.
Its not like you, dear reader, want to hear more about Last week’s dinner party or my commentary on the news.

If you do, I’m not in the mood – someone make me a salad.

-Bad touch Bear

…I NEED FILTH!

Its almost 1am and I just can’t sleep. I haven’t – no, I know why I cant sleep. Two very easy reasons. One, I just contradicted my self by vacuuming after company left but this room is TOO neatly organized. I rearranged things SO well that I cant sleep! The terrain is alien! I turned off the lights and my imagination lacked things to turn into creepers. That’s honestly a good thing, I give myself night terrors and imagine tall shadows looming over me in the night – I don’t know. Things just look unfamiliar, its stressing me out.

Two, I feel over-socialized. YES there is such a thing! The smell of being social isn’t leaving the living room where I sleep! Its driving me nuts – the foreign smell – its like clothing that sat for a while, damp and then dried with a sweet fabric softener. I HATE that smell. That’s just one sensatory component. I guess I should talk about how dinner worked out with Auntie & CO, over. I just closed my eyes and cringed. It wasn’t bad at all, I got snubbed upon entry by the Auntie, I played the role of servant very nicely by constantly being in the kitchen washing things, cleaning away plates and serving others. Is that what one calls a Hostess? I’m not sure since I’ve had dinner parties before but at them there was this thing I got to do, what was it? OH I KNOW TALK.

While I don’t mind taking backseat – actually I enjoy listening to my family talk while I sometimes ask questions or guide the conversation towards something I want to hear; Most of last night’s conversation revolved around Auntie’s children, Auntie’s work accomplishments, Auntie’s children’s accomplishments, Auntie being vain, Auntie’s upcoming trip to Disney, how fat Bear is and some other junk. Spending the effort thinking about it is fruxtrating. Yes, its Fruxtrating – frustrating and exhausting.

On a positive note my female cousin who is a rice-atarian, ate a nice portion of macaroni & cheese I made. I made it with her in mind, even Grandma and Auntie ate some. It was dry and lacked the creamy-ness to consider it successful – but oh well. You can’t expect me to be fabulous when I had to do a 50 whole wheat/ 50 regular noodle deal and Grandma was staring me down while cooking. Things never turn out well when I’m being watched. Haven’t you ever heard of those magical worker elves that come in the middle of the night to make shoes? I’m a distantly removed relative. I also knew if I seasoned it the way I like, with black pepper and garlic, it would have come out TEN times better. Mneh – if there is ever a next time, I am making it closer to how I would like it. I’m tired of being considerate of childish pallets.

My stomach just visited my mouth. I guess its OK I didn’t add garlic, Jalapeño or bacon.

After about 45 to 1 hour of solitary confinement infront of the sink, I brought out desert. I didn’t bake and I didn’t buy anything. Grandma bought some cream puffs (Which I broke into after they left), I made tea, got to chat – not about myself obviously. Without going into detail, it was good.

This experience was good…They were here for 4 and 1/2 hours.

I gave my female cousin a gnome shirt, she loved it. The younger male cousin a marshmellow man shirt – he didn’t show any appreciation – Bear got to socialize even the other cat came out! My eye twitched. Its 1:30 AM and I am considering sweeping and mopping!

Y’know what – screw it! I am going to get up, and clean – get these social germies off of me and even shower – with the lights off. A clean pair of underwear too – I need some cheering up.

I’m sure after I do all that – then pile some junk on top the dining room table,  I’ll feel somewhat better.

Welp- I’m off to scatter lavender oil all over, sweep, mop, shower and then make a mess.

Contradictory right?

-Bad touch bear

Sunset 01

It is not the camera that makes the photograph amazing, its the photographer.

Unfortunately the day I began this Sunset/Sunrise challenge (Sept 9th) – the sky from my vantage point said rain. While this photo isn’t one of those color amazing sunsets, it is a sunset. *SIGH* After I uploaded this on Deviant Art, I saw some breathtaking shots from Norway. I am jealous, I would like to see an Aurora Borealis in the night time sky; that will never happen in my part of New York. If I time it right next summer (If I remember) I would like to capture Manhattan-henge; it will be the third (?) year I’ve known about it and forgotten.

I’ve also forgotten about Sept 19, ‘talk like a pirate day’, Sept 18-21 Upstate NY Hot air balloon show and I’m sure something else – but I’ve forgotten. Actually I remembered the Hot air balloon show the 20th but there’s NO WAY I was doing a four hour drive Upstate and then back home.

A update on my efforts towards cleaning (No its against). At the time I posted, which was probably 12pm? I’m not sure, I sat there for 2 hours in a silent freakout. I have different ways of responding to a problem, today I simply shut down. Two hours. Didn’t move a inch, watched the cats play around the new terrain I made. Overwhelmed, I had to force myself NOT to get a black garbage bag and just dump everything. I am more rational now – but there’s residual ‘piles’ in the living room. About almost 6 hours later I couldn’t take anymore attempts at ‘reorganizing’.

I think all the maneuvering got to me since my muscles are sore like the time I thought to do yoga for two hours. I’m currently exhausted and moody. For dinner, I ate .82Lbs of beef and a green pepper. I generally dislike beef, but today I was willing to eat ANYTHING except yesterday’s dinner – which I NEED to flush down the toilet. I got the crazy idea to make butternut & ginger soup, except somewhere in my culinary travels from fridge, cupboard and stove into the pot went; Garam Masala, Curry powder, 3 cloves of garlic, one onion, a small frozen box of butternut squash, 3 slivers of dehydrated ginger, one can of chicken stock. Think that sounds OK? I didn’t think it was good enough so into the pot also went some Sushi rice, and Lentils. I tasted it and it was STILL missing something; In goes 1 heaping tablespoon of red chilli humus and TWO slices of American cheese.

Are you grossed out yet? I ate this concoction for 1 and 1/2 meals. Culinary Bear had swapped places with MAD SCIENTIST BEAR that night; something about that particular dish – it hasn’t left my system, EVERYTIMEISWALLOWITASTEIT! I just got the idea to fast tomorrow since all that is left in the fridge is a block of tofu (a month old), 2 1/2 week old Okra and Spinach (uncooked), half a head of cabbage and two containers of hummus – eggplant flavor (yuck) and red chili. Oh and some cheddar…I’m drooling. OH GOOD GRIEF! I am not looking forward to dinner with Auntie & CO. She is bringing the food (Her own children wont eat her cooking). Hmm there are also two apples…

I just whimpered.

This is sad; I am sad!
I’m not such a bad cook! Its only when I’m dieting food turns funny!

I wonder if its possible to live off of microwaved Sweet Potatoes and Oatmeal. No – not enough vitamins.

Excuse me while I cry, my mouth taste faintly of dish detergent.

– Bad touch Bear

L’Shana Tovah! Welcome nightmarish new year!

I bet dear readers, you were hoping for a uplifting and informal essay on ‘Apples, Honey and the Jewish New year’ as today’s entry.

 

Instead I get up to find this waiting for me. 

Not only does the newspaper front page frighten me so does the note she left! Out of the two Aunts I have, this one makes me the most insecure. She is that family member that gloats about recent successes and has that I am better than you quality in so many different ways. She is also the Aunt who is on mind medicine; perhaps the description I’ve given you is something I made up. None the less this is how I perceive her due to how conversations develop.

ANYWAY. If you are perhaps a creative person, you might have this trait.

JOKING. Kinda.
I had JUST gotten the living room to how I like it; a certain level of clutter where I can find what I want quickly while still seeming clean. This picture is NOT a representation of that clutter; this is ALL the things I own that cannot fit in the 5 small draws and three hangers allotted to me OR the 3 cardboard boxes behind the couch. My books, some of my art supplies, Financial paperwork, half finished art projects, finished art projects, videogames, language material and then just ..Stuff I acquired over time.

Just sitting here is making me anxious, this level of … these MOUNTAINS of THINGS, is making me upset. OH LADY OUTSIDE BE QUIET, STOP SINGING TO YOUR NEPHEW IN CANTONESE I DONT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT HOW EASY IT IS TO SWEEP!

‘(`;x ∩ x; ′)’

I tried once to learn Cantonese, like Russian and Italian. All I’ve managed to learn is the odd word here and there – But anyway. HELP. I NEED HELP.

I DONT WANT TO SEE THIS AUNTIE. I DONT WANT TO REORGANIZE MY THINGS. I WANT TO WATCH THE REST OF GOTHAM’s  1st EPISODE AND PLAY WITH BISMUTH.

 

Engaging panic mode!

-Bad touch bear

Can you spot the two cats in this last photo?

Think more, speak less.

I’ve always been somewhat an Introvert. A flurry of ideas and suggestions take place in my mind with well meant suggestions; what comes out is sometimes contradicts my objective to be helpful.

Over the years I’ve learned my place is to just be quiet and avoid doing things in general that would result in questions being asked. I did it ‘Their way’ which is usually less efficient – there would never be a time when I was told to ‘hurry up’ since I painstakingly made efforts towards mediocre perfection. I don’t offer my suggestions or recommendations; conversational wise people tend to talk over me and if there is a male in company, they become the focal point

My whole juvenal life and until now I am still plagued with such behavior/situations. I am a Chameleon. It is simply EASIER to appear stupid, and when you begin enacting a role; you begin to take it to heart.

Lately this has been bothering me along with stunted vocabulary, looking down on myself and reward/instant gratification for bad behavior. I continually doubt my choices and prevent myself from doing things I enjoy because I am dreading explaining myself to Grandma/people who simply does not understand and are not willing to compromise. Its boiled down to where she writes these notes of things I should be doing or doesn’t say what is important and picks on something else.

I had a semi-healthy lifestyle before I started living here. I would walk to work, just under five miles going and coming. When my job changed – I pushed myself harder, I woke at 5am to travel – I exercised and was able to do freelance work when I was downsized. My level of confidence was high. I traded my self values and freedom for false security (familywise) and a place to sleep (Instead of rotating from one place to another).

I have given Grandma more power by just living here – this dependence – where I still take care of myself and feed myself, yet because I live here I have to play by her rules. I will be twenty nine at the end of this month – I don’t go out into the city anymore and I don’t go for 5 am walks. I am rebelling by damaging myself.

I began this blog to release some of this tension since I am unable to express it with art, *Therapy didn’t help and have no social ring to depend on. I’ve let myself down recently, I’ve become a Talker but what am I talking about? My context even if shallow – the consistency – the degrading use of words that contain no more than three syllables. I remember once I was offered a drink at a Super Bowl party and said, ‘Sorry I don’t imbibe sensatory impairing substances, I will take a water if you’re offering.’ The response was thrillingly blank. She said what? One took out his cell phone to look up that word ‘imbibe’; the rest of the night the only people who would have a conversation with me was a 9 mo old and the politics person in the group – not even the person who brought me as a guest talked to me.

I’ve noticed my bad behavior and I’m constantly trying to repair myself. I’ve concluded that leaving this apartment and the false sense of family + care would help me mentally. How do I do this when I’ve crippled myself? I am Afraid of people.

I’ve reached out on multiple occasions to people who were friends before my mothers passing; only to be tossed aside – new people have more appeal they don’t wear lead shoes and carry black balloons. I tried finding reassurance in my family only to find great misunderstandings and assumptions fill their memories. Could you see there was something wrong with me the day of conception to which you’ve branded me a monster? What did I do to you people to gain such ill will? The answer? Nothing. We all live in our own worlds; some of us use bricks made of illusions and mortar that is toxic. We have children and make friends, spend any free time focusing on positive things and shun talking about things we dislike or even go as far as to martyr another since the original problem is too near and dear to address.

I’ve asked myself if this is all in my head? Am I making up the dislike I see when you’ve sneered or smiled? I’ve asked myself am I some egotistical selfish creep? I don’t know. Aren’t we all selfish? I’m one of you! Don’t shun me anymore! I promise to be low brow and buy name brand goods. LOOK! I bought Prada, drink out of a mug from Starbucks, my nail polish is from Channel and my nightgown was made by Dior. I’ll conform and make a twitter, pintrest and Flikr account – I’ll log back into Facebook and continue posting shallow meme’s and recycling pictures of animals and cancer patients because that’s where the real commenting is. Everything will be Synced and I’m thinking about getting the latest iPhone.

NO.

What have I done to myself?

How low does one need to stoop before you acknowledge them as a base component ‘Human’ before whatever stereotype you placed on them?

 

I had intended this entry to talk about how sloppy I’ve been with my entries – How women belittle other women and How I intend to re-educate myself and re-apply myself. As usual I spiraled out of control.

What to look forward to in possible future entries:

– Commentary on news (I’ve been meaning to do this yet feel uncomfortable)

-50 photos (Posted separately) of Sunsets/Sunrises (Me attempting to get myself outside)

-30 Day word challenge (Get a dictionary and write a entry on a random word, entries may be fictional)

-A entry on Sims 4 snapshots

– A entry on things I want to sell

-A essay on ‘Apples, Honey and the New year’

What you will DEFINATLEY get in future entries;

-Me complaining about something and not fully comprehending the subject matter.

-A unorganized heap of words pretending to be a entry (Because I haven’t figured out proper indenting, spacing, and resizing since I can’t use html for tables/Css as I would like)

-Grief over how I carb-a-cided or failed to abstain from food

Thanks for reading,

Bad touch Bear