I’ve always been somewhat an Introvert. A flurry of ideas and suggestions take place in my mind with well meant suggestions; what comes out is sometimes contradicts my objective to be helpful.
Over the years I’ve learned my place is to just be quiet and avoid doing things in general that would result in questions being asked. I did it ‘Their way’ which is usually less efficient – there would never be a time when I was told to ‘hurry up’ since I painstakingly made efforts towards mediocre perfection. I don’t offer my suggestions or recommendations; conversational wise people tend to talk over me and if there is a male in company, they become the focal point
My whole juvenal life and until now I am still plagued with such behavior/situations. I am a Chameleon. It is simply EASIER to appear stupid, and when you begin enacting a role; you begin to take it to heart.
Lately this has been bothering me along with stunted vocabulary, looking down on myself and reward/instant gratification for bad behavior. I continually doubt my choices and prevent myself from doing things I enjoy because I am dreading explaining myself to Grandma/people who simply does not understand and are not willing to compromise. Its boiled down to where she writes these notes of things I should be doing or doesn’t say what is important and picks on something else.
I had a semi-healthy lifestyle before I started living here. I would walk to work, just under five miles going and coming. When my job changed – I pushed myself harder, I woke at 5am to travel – I exercised and was able to do freelance work when I was downsized. My level of confidence was high. I traded my self values and freedom for false security (familywise) and a place to sleep (Instead of rotating from one place to another).
I have given Grandma more power by just living here – this dependence – where I still take care of myself and feed myself, yet because I live here I have to play by her rules. I will be twenty nine at the end of this month – I don’t go out into the city anymore and I don’t go for 5 am walks. I am rebelling by damaging myself.
I began this blog to release some of this tension since I am unable to express it with art, *Therapy didn’t help and have no social ring to depend on. I’ve let myself down recently, I’ve become a Talker but what am I talking about? My context even if shallow – the consistency – the degrading use of words that contain no more than three syllables. I remember once I was offered a drink at a Super Bowl party and said, ‘Sorry I don’t imbibe sensatory impairing substances, I will take a water if you’re offering.’ The response was thrillingly blank. She said what? One took out his cell phone to look up that word ‘imbibe’; the rest of the night the only people who would have a conversation with me was a 9 mo old and the politics person in the group – not even the person who brought me as a guest talked to me.
I’ve noticed my bad behavior and I’m constantly trying to repair myself. I’ve concluded that leaving this apartment and the false sense of family + care would help me mentally. How do I do this when I’ve crippled myself? I am Afraid of people.
I’ve reached out on multiple occasions to people who were friends before my mothers passing; only to be tossed aside – new people have more appeal they don’t wear lead shoes and carry black balloons. I tried finding reassurance in my family only to find great misunderstandings and assumptions fill their memories. Could you see there was something wrong with me the day of conception to which you’ve branded me a monster? What did I do to you people to gain such ill will? The answer? Nothing. We all live in our own worlds; some of us use bricks made of illusions and mortar that is toxic. We have children and make friends, spend any free time focusing on positive things and shun talking about things we dislike or even go as far as to martyr another since the original problem is too near and dear to address.
I’ve asked myself if this is all in my head? Am I making up the dislike I see when you’ve sneered or smiled? I’ve asked myself am I some egotistical selfish creep? I don’t know. Aren’t we all selfish? I’m one of you! Don’t shun me anymore! I promise to be low brow and buy name brand goods. LOOK! I bought Prada, drink out of a mug from Starbucks, my nail polish is from Channel and my nightgown was made by Dior. I’ll conform and make a twitter, pintrest and Flikr account – I’ll log back into Facebook and continue posting shallow meme’s and recycling pictures of animals and cancer patients because that’s where the real commenting is. Everything will be Synced and I’m thinking about getting the latest iPhone.
What have I done to myself?
How low does one need to stoop before you acknowledge them as a base component ‘Human’ before whatever stereotype you placed on them?
I had intended this entry to talk about how sloppy I’ve been with my entries – How women belittle other women and How I intend to re-educate myself and re-apply myself. As usual I spiraled out of control.
What to look forward to in possible future entries:
– Commentary on news (I’ve been meaning to do this yet feel uncomfortable)
-50 photos (Posted separately) of Sunsets/Sunrises (Me attempting to get myself outside)
-30 Day word challenge (Get a dictionary and write a entry on a random word, entries may be fictional)
-A entry on Sims 4 snapshots
– A entry on things I want to sell
-A essay on ‘Apples, Honey and the New year’
What you will DEFINATLEY get in future entries;
-Me complaining about something and not fully comprehending the subject matter.
-A unorganized heap of words pretending to be a entry (Because I haven’t figured out proper indenting, spacing, and resizing since I can’t use html for tables/Css as I would like)
-Grief over how I carb-a-cided or failed to abstain from food
Thanks for reading,
Bad touch Bear