Money, guilt & greed

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I am not a rich person. I went to college, attained an associates and couldn’t finish my bachelors due to many reasons beyond my control. I paid off all my loans for a private college and some of my mother’s loans – my father did not contribute.

How did I pay off these loans? Inheritance.

My mother passed away 3 days before my senior year was going to start – lets fast forward through a grief laden couple paragraphs to the present.

I feel guilty that I survived my mother, as in she died as a result of malpractice. I feel guilt that I didn’t do enough and was ignorant of how dire the situation was. I later had to give up my childhood home and my father. My father died 2 years later, I came into more money. After waiting 4 years, I have finally been awarded money from her malpractice case. Am I happy? No.

Let me state again, I am NOT rich – nor am I wealthy. I live with my grandmother and do not have a bedroom of my own. I sleep on a air matters in her living room and my employment is ALWAYS up in the air. This has been 6 years now. Moving on from that bit of information – Knowing money changes people and that I will never again in my life come across this amount of money, as guilty as I feel I also now feel greedy but I think someone else does too.

One of my Aunt’s became executrix of my mother’s estate as stated in the will. At the beginning of the legal process this Aunt said she would never take a dime from me or the fee from the malpractice case. In the end she was rewarded twenty-three rounded up. I did not expect to get any of this money back from her; but I DID expect my mother’s estate account’s funds which totaled three thousand.

We only speak through texts. Mabibble tells me that my family is so sweet and they care about me, yet the year my mother passed away – why was I not invited to Chanukah? Why do conversations not happen infront of me and when I am a topic, they are done with Mabibble speaking up for me? Why do I have this gut feeling that I am tolerated because my existence makes them feel better?

Mabibble says this is all in my head and a misunderstanding yet he was reminded of two instances recently where I was negatively talked about. *Therapy told me that some dialogue needs to happen since it seems common to avoid things that aren’t liked – which is myself and serious conversation.

Let’s be 100% honest – Most if not all conversations are about their children, their pets and their jobs. While simply mundane to snotty in context, I’m not asked ANYTHING and the opportunity to volunteer information is quickly snuffed out by what ‘such-and-such-child did’.

So now you know how I feel about my biological family, there is a disconnect that leaves me with negative feelings and ‘misunderstandings’ that I am not welcome. I VAGUELY remember now this conversation that is leading up to the point of this entry. The Aunt who is executrix wants to keep the three thousand of the estate account and when my cousins graduate college or a birthday – the money will be given to them from the estate.

In the will my mother made nothing like this is listed. My father gets half and I get half; therefor the estate account’s funds should go to me.

While it is a novel idea and generous, I want this three thousand. Am I being greedy? I just received the malpractice reward, the lawyer got a nice 1/3. If I want to give my cousins a present, which I do on some occasions – I’ll be the one to do it, I want to control what is going on.

This grief is all thanks to Grandma’s amazingly loud phone. I was able to hear this conversation happening 10 feet away and about how disappointed this Aunt felt, ‘Why does she need MORE money? Its only three thousand.’ Meanwhile I don’t know if Grandma heard the conversation at all, she just kept going ‘Uh-Huh’ so I asked her via paper and pen.

“Your mother would have liked it.” She said this while looking up at me and a slight shrug. I feel now more anxious that I am doing the wrong thing but I don’t earn over 10 thousand a year…I don’t I have the luxury of my Aunt’s with their well paid jobs and houses, and when they pass away – I know I wont get anything out of it. When times get hard – Who can I ask for help? There literally is no one in my life who I can see financial help from – my parents are dead, all I have left is this money and when its gone – it’ll be gone.

What would you do in a situation like this?

Commentary from my dear readers would be appreciated,

-Bad touch Bear

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6 thoughts on “Money, guilt & greed

  1. You’ve had it very tough. I agree with you on the aunt not being entitled to that 3000. It shouldn’t need a lawyer (more fees) for this. It is Your money to do with as you wish. She should not even be thinking of taking it! If your Mum had wanted her to have that she would have said so.

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    • Thanks for replying Sci, regardless of logic without emotion – I still feel guilty. Today in the mail I got the check and in the card she wrote ‘Why’ she wanted the money and that she would keep the estate account open for the rest of her life, but fund it with her own money.

      I find this kind of pointless, If anything I should be the one doing such IF I wanted. My cousins could care less where money came from I bet – and I highly doubt anyone would want a gift on a good occasion to remind them of something sad; talk about bittersweet.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I don’t know your family, but I do know many people who are like this – manipulative and make You feel guilty. She should rather be supporting you all these years, not making things harder.
        In my own family, and many of my friends, we find these type of people.
        Thankfully – we can choose our friends!

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