Five hours of …Pain? – Entry for 1/16/15


“I have to pee.” Its a repetition in my head because I do have to pee and I’ve been putting it off for almost five hours, all because once I get up – I’m not going to keep searching.

What am I searching for?
A dress.

I know myself well and avoiding important yet challenging things is my specialty; that’s why I’m writing this entry now. To avoid the subject of dresses, but then this entry is ABOUT dresses; I confused myself a little there. It would be best to pause my thoughts and freshen up in the bathroom.

Half a hour later I find myself back here in front of my laptop and low and behold, I’ve forgotten what was suppose to happen in this entry except my complaint about a certain article of clothing that most women own one of. Hmm that sentence seems too long.

I will now go on record and tell you I do not own any dresses nor have I worn one since…Hot damn! Prom? No no, for my 18th birthday I wore a china dress; I remember this because I had to pull it up oddly while using the bathroom at Penn. Station. So that makes it almost 10-11 years, I’m feeling a little queasy now. It could be the toothpaste or because my tongue keeps flicking against my gum line or picking at my back molars. Then there is an annoying crescent crack in my nail. How old am I again? Dammit. I’ll be thirty!
Know what? Its all mentioned PLUS the thought of having to wear a girdle.

Ok – ok, so these days ‘Girdle’ isn’t the fashionable term, shape wear is, whatever the word is. I still will have to wear one. So re-cap; I haven’t worn a dress OR a skirt for 12 years, since my closet is devoid of dresses – I don’t own any ‘shape wear’, stockings, high heels and right now my cat Bear is looking at me with the largest eyes. “What are you so afraid of? Its not like your planning to go out in public and make children cry. Right Bear?” I just got no response except a ear twitch and more big eye action. I think he feels my pain.

I should mention now I’m wearing a shirt with the ‘Stay Puft Marshmellow man’ from Ghostbusters and I took a ten minute time out to cut my nails. I’ve been wearing this shirt for three days to sleep in, think I should change it.  Wearing a dress won’t really make any children except myself cry and I am one big baby; I’m hovering between a size 18 US to 20. I am not proud of my ham hawk legs, buxom bottom, bingo arms or well I think my face, and chest are OK; the neck is only good if I wear my hair down. Negative body view right?

While I actually do love myself, I’d honestly LOVE myself more if food didn’t agree with me so well and I was maybe a size 16. I’m not going to ask for anything lower because I need to keep it real; its been three weeks I’ve been putting off baking banana bread and it WILL happen tomorrow! If not I’ll have to face facts – I’ve been hording bananas in fridge and freezer that are pretty much liquid.

Back to dresses? See I’m avoiding it! I don’t know why as I’ve gotten older its become harder to stay on one track and not run off to other tangents. Dresses. Still own my prom dress actually. Torture, exposure, defenseless, not pants and breezy. Since I dislike wearing pants around the APT, it should be easy to put myself in a nice flowing nighty right? I ruin pretty things. Earlier I mentioned some ninja bleach on a shirt, I am prone to collecting fuzz – sometimes I miss my mouth even when drinking water! Lace will pull if I wear any type of hand jewelry. AHH…This wedding is in one of those months beginning with ‘J’ and I’m already feeling frustrated.

This is actually good. I forget if there are any major holidays where discounting would happen before the wedding. If I tire myself out now complaining, I shouldn’t be so crabby later but right now it is hard picking a dress for a summer month. I will definitely need to wear stockings to prevent my thighs from chafing. The dress needs to be below the knee but not to the floor, not white, not too much tulle, the neckline cannot be tight square or like a normal shirt cut. I would prefer sleeves but I could do with a sweater, the dress can not have a plunging back or front, it cannot and will not be black, it can’t be full of sequins, fake jewels or glitter. I can imagine trying to go braless and having a wardrobe malfunction, it needs straps but not thick ones. My Bat mitzvah taught me large ladies should not wear stretchy tight material that rides up. When they were doing that circle dance and I was being carried on a chair – that shitty skirt rode up so high. I sighed deeply just now! I wore a girdle with the dress, sheer black stockings and black underwear so it was just a dark void BUT STILL! Where am I going with this? Havanageliah!

I am a prime candidate for Alzheimer’s and or Dementia; sadly I’ve always been this way. I don’t like how I just spent the last five hours, I have over twenty options but none of them scream ‘buy me’. I don’t like dresses on myself and I don’t like exposing too much skin. I’m defiantly not going to shop in a store where I’ll only feel disappointed. Being a size 16 at prom there were NO REAL DRESSES for girls my size made me cry. I’ll just have to order online, knowing I’ll have to spend over 100 USD on a dress; either that or attempt to make one and that will not end well for various reasons.

Hava nagila, Hava nagila, Hava nagila ve-nismeḥa
Uru aḥim, uru aḥim! Be-lev sameaḥ

The bride to be is Jewish as well.
Mneh – I have to keep reminding myself, Camera, Cake & possibilities.

Cake! Cake! Cake!
– Bad touch Bear


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