I am very sure although I fasted for Yom Kippur, I didn’t do a good job. I lasted from 6:30 PM the 3rd till 6:30 the following day; generally I might be really bad and have a nip of something. This year I didn’t eat but I NEEDED to drink water, used ointment, brushed my teeth and wash my face.
The traditions followed on Yom Kippur are generally:
- No eating and drinking
- No wearing of leather shoes
- No bathing or washing
- No anointing oneself with perfumes or lotions
- No marital relations
I’m fine not bathing, not wearing animal skins or avoiding perfume/makeup – but I cannot function in my current state without water and brushing my teeth. I also don’t go to temple. Sorry God, I’m not a model Jew – but what have you done for me lately? I’m already uncomfortable in my own body, you’ve taken away essential family members and I put myself in stressful living conditions daily.
I’m not dedicating this entry to my frustrations on Religion and how much I dislike it; I fasted well (Tzom Kal) and kept this promise to myself. In the end that’s what counts more, keeping promises to myself and remaining truthful.
Yesterday my emotions were all over the place. I’m blaming the birth control on this because I have not had acne like this for a good seven months. I HAD to buy Yahrziet candles (Memorial candles) because my Grandmother was too lazy to buy her own. So off I went to the supermarket; fifty eight dollars later I have 15 candles (Had to buy other things as well). I said I have experience with funerals, my Grandmother trumps any credentials I have. While I can light six, I only light two. My Grandmother wouldn’t tell me the number she mourns for but I’ve noticed its a consistent twelve to ten.
I was going to go out today, a sort of ‘memorial’ party for someone who recently passed. I canceled because they were having food, lots of food. Grandma already gave me a look of extreme disapproval on even considering going, that squashed the minor interest I had in attending. I rather fight with a friend than fight with Grandma – I have to live here, they don’t.
Then she questions me, in a argumentative way, because I lit my candles at sundown and was all over the apartment, shoving food in my mouth and looking out the window. She was thinking that Yom Kippur began on the 4th, while I showed her my cell phone’s calendar, a source from the internet and then told her to just call her daughter (The very Jewish one who I’ve mentioned earlier). In the end All conversations she tells people, ‘I thought Yom Kippur began on the 4th! Silly me!’ There is no mention of WHO corrected her, WHO bought the candles or prepared her dinner.
She keeps asking me why I continually stick my head out the window and I bite back the smart remarks, ‘I’m waiting to be beamed up/rescued’, or ‘I’m just keeping a eye out for the end of the world’.
I spent the whole day by intensive day dreaming, instead of extreme repenting for my gluttony and sloth, said something already sardonic, and lost my temper twice. I’m not apologizing to God, I am who I am. If that’s a sin I better start living life and enjoying things more than I already do. There isn’t enough white cloth or charity that can fix my flaws where I’ll be forgiven in the book of life this year.
Doubt I’ll amend my ways next year.
-Bad touch Bear