Observational Diary, Sept, 2nd


My mind right now is a MESS.


A miss fired neuron in the wrong direction bounces against a placid liquid surface and these ripples! So many ripples, red – blue – purple – green, I had a plan, I had a list, I was cool and collected and knew what I was going to say, coming – going – spelling….Spelling!

I actually misspelled the words neuron, many and…I’m hungry.

I haven’t eaten all day – I woke at 6am and its now 4pm?

4pm?! Where is Grandma? She comes back by 3:30 – Access-a-ride must have abducted her! No wait!

A banana, two digestive biscuits and some pineapple that’s been laying in the fridge a while. The elevator door just closed and I hear shuffling – YES – the key in the lock is turning! I HAVE NO PANTS ON AGAIN AND LEFT MY DIRTY BOWL OF TUNA ON THE FLOOR.

I need to put my brain on pause, start from the beginning. Shouldn’t I get pants?

Heh. No. I have to pee, but that can wait. 

“Why did you have the bottom locked?”

“Oh” I yell, “I went out.”

“Out?” My grandmother is bent over her walker with wheels, pushing it into the apartment. “Where did you go?” She asks, docking the walker in the usual spot.

I watch her run over my sneakers, What caused me to go outside? Hmm…hm…Ugh – I wanted heat stroke? I wanted to collect all my sweat in a cup and bottle it – label it ‘Went out, unspecified, idiotic heat, 82’. Oh – THE LIBRARY. “CVS – I went to CVS.” I hate the word Library -pew-pew-pew- always spell it wrong. OH I HAVE TO PEE! I rush past Grandma, into the bathroom.

I like peeing. Odd thought from a odd person. Its like I get to be violent with someone, my poor bladder, to force something out of them. Oh yea I showered earlier. When I’m done I pick up the ‘step stool’ cluttering the floor and place it into the tub. “Did you mop the floor?” “No, I went out.” She left me a note on the kitchen table. This is how I get told to do things; its annoying so I often prolong the experience or ignore it. “This is getting to be a little too much, you do nothing.” She shuffles into the living room all huffy and plugs in her tablet. Ugh – “What is this? Why does he have a bowl?!” My bowl on the floor traveled to the couch which I shoved in front of the cat to of course prolong washing it. “I ate some tuna, I wanted him to lick the bowl.” Ovbcourse? Shouldn’t I be past phonics?

“This is ridiculous! Put on some pants!” Grandma yells – well I wouldn’t exactly call it a yell. On a scale of 0 -10 it was more of a 3 or 4 on ‘Complaintive loud noise’. “AAA- COME ON!” A pause, clinking of glass in the kitchen and the eventual creaking of table and chair as she sits down. “Stupid.”

Now I’m on edge. Occasionally those remarks are actually directed at no one, she yells when she cant reach something. She yells when she cant open something. She mutters obscenities of the PG sort while opening mail. “Shit.” What had me so flustered before?

I didn’t forget; I just haven’t untangled my thoughts, all I can focus on is the ‘ktrrrp’ and clink of butter knife in the kitchen, the pop and ‘trrcuurt’ of chair turning. Reading mail is a noisy task with Grandma.

So I went outside today.

Contrary to my self appointed title of ‘Hikikomori’. Uuuuu – I just realized my sub-title for this blog is spelled incorrectly! As I fix it, I try to think. Start at the beginning? Start at this point and work backwards? Does it matter? No one is reading? Wait I got a glorious NINE watchers in total. Majority of them are men. I doubt they even added this blog to read, more like self advertisement because its only common co – courdusy? courtesy to check out their blog. What now? FOCUS IDIOT – YOU WENT OUTSIDE, WHY DID YOU GO OUTSIDE PUDDINGBRAIN?

I had a prescription that has been sitting since the 25th. I had books to pick up from the LIBRARY. Why does this place need two ‘R’s? So I packed my bag around 1pm? Decided today would be a rare treat – no headphones! I’ll be observant and god she is shuffling again – Oh opened the fridge. NO-NO! BACK TO YOUR NARRITIVE.

I took the back roads instead of walking along the major traffic routes. I prefer it this way, less chance of encountering people and its a little more shaded. Nope, not at this point in the day would it be shaded. I don’t know why 1pm just seemed smart, the sun is reaching its highest peak after all. I really must have wanted to bottle some sweat. A e-mail from Michaels says ‘Milk jugs are the latest Mason jar’. Baaaah.

Underpasses! They are shady. They are also festering with disease and refuse; why does the city block off underpasses with fence? Is it against the law to walk under them? I honestly wouldn’t mind going outside more if I could hang out somewhere like that. A underpass. A troll under the bridge. You idiot.

It wasn’t a long walk, my plan was – Go to CVS, drop off prescription, Go to the Library across the street, pick up book, return to CVS, get prescription, return home. What did I do instead?

With no headphones on I’m actually really alert and skittish. Every car that drives by I give the eye to. Hey they cut down the hedge in the back, Oh those hibiscus are new, planted them in a bad spot they will die. A cautious driver? Good on her. Don’t smile at me Signore, I will not smile back. Wait for the light to change, cross the street – encounter some badly spelt graffiti, snap a picture and enter CVS. The guy in front of me has a Caribbean accent and his leather shoes the fronts are long, square toed dress shoes. The tips of his shoes are actually SO long it actually curls up like a comical jester shoe. He’s done. I have three prescriptions. I wont fill the acne wash one since acne wash only aggravates my skin and its NOT what I asked the Dermatologist for on the 25th. The second one I cant pronounce, it cant be filled because my insurance doesn’t cover it. The third one is a vitamin D concoction for dermatitis. I went to the Dermatologist because I was exposed to Bismuth trioxide and she prescribes Acne wash – not covered 250, a steroid cream 200 – not covered, the concoction of Vit D, covered.

A 15 minute wait. Exit, Enter Library, greeted by Holocaust posters and books on separate shelves. I had passed these books before, I DIDNT know they were for sale. Carebear VHS’s, Personal taped VHS’s for sale, children’s books, all sorts of books – LOADS of RUSSIAN BOOKS. MORE RUSSIAN BOOKS THAN ENGLISH. MORE RUSSIAN MOVIES THAN ENGLISH. Children’s Holocaust books in Russian AND English.


I collect my reserve, two apocalyptic fictions – Hmm, don’t they fall under another genera? Antidishastablishterromboops. No award for you, this spelling rodeo you fail.

About to leave, I see on that shelf ‘A wrinkle in time’. What is a classic like you doing here?! Aww, do you want to come home with mommy? FIFTY CENTS?! HOW DARE YOU! I’m all over that book and spend a good five minutes looking for more before I give up. A old woman, thin, kinda boney – splotchy skin, tanned slightly sagging is talking about ‘Babayaga’. A coincidence? I love me some foreign folklore, she mentions she would beg her mom to read it to her in the 1940’s from a magazine called Tom and Jane? Dick and Jane? I picked up a flier – The 6th and 20th they will have Holocaust talks – A pattern? I might convince myself to go but its on a Saturday. Hmm, still got 10 minutes left, I cross the street and visit the eye glass store.

I need to go to the eye doctor for a dilatation, I wriggle my way out of this because I don’t like being disorientated, yet I like this eye doctor because of his selection of frames. They are expensive and I like a good bargain. I’ve visited this store once before I bought my Lacoste frames in 2012, the people here are always friendly. Not friendly enough though for a sale. Sorry, you need to make me fall in love with the target – this is how I ended up with a Clarisonic; spending 212 when I went out for sneakers! Ah my cheek just twitched. At least I have clean pores. Mall’s never have what I want in them.

I’m seeing a pattern with 2’s and 1’s when I walk back into CVS. OHMAHMRYUMYUM! I notice him as I’m looking over some cacti with flowers on them. I always wonder if the bulbous flowers on some of these cactus are real – I cant tell cause I don’t see any hot glue. MRYUMYUMWHEREYOUGOING? I think this yet I hurry towards the back of the store.

Aww man I’m a coward! I bet that guy is a teenager, tall, chin length hair, dirty blond, reminds me of a wild horse with his long neck. Wearing a black wife beater, shorts, black backpack, not a muscular specimen. I get to the prescription area and I’ve noticed him now 3 times. IS HE FOLLOWING ME?! HOT DOG! I cant look up and find myself eyeing familiar looking funny feet. NODONTGOMRYUMYUM! NOT THE OUTSIDE! Poop.

I consider purchasing some Gas-X but instead just get my prescription and walk home. I missed a chance to probably become a pedophile. Two kids are playing with their father’s lawn mower and babbling in Russian. So cute! I wonder if I’ll ever have children – Why are all Russian children blonds? The guy that just walked passed me had on no shoes…I want to turn around and eye him but I just want to bask in some AC so I head home.

So what was it that had me so jumbled earlier in this entry?

Oh, I wanted to post photos with this entry but thought to hotlink them from my secondary Deviantart site but forgot the password. I read someone’s blog and kept thinking ‘Instant gratification’, they’ve posted more than 10 entries in a day one after another, quickly all while chatting with commentators.

Heh. Don’t feel so discombobulated now. Its 5:55 PM! Think I’ll mop that floor now.

Thanks for readin,

– Bad touch Bear.


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