Primer before paint


After creating this blog and making the first two posts I was up a considerable amount of time just thinking about things.

  • What is the appropriate amount of posts allowed in one day?

My thoughts are so hodge-podge and unorganized! I’ve come to realize when I’m exposed to grief (a daily thing with me); one of my coping mechanism is to beat around the bush. In *Therapy I recall this happening many times; I would be asked a simple question and when I was done talking 3 out of 5 times I would have spoken about the topic in a couple sentences but the majority of what was said was a story pertaining to or of similar instance, in the end of this dialogue I would end up confused and unfulfilled. I know I have trust issues and compare instances – but –

  • When I talk about a subject, what is too much/too little?

I read a couple of other blogs after someone liked something I wrote. Being a site devoted to text firstly, yet lacking the full ability to code, I shouldn’t be compartmentalizing and compressing things as I do to where paragraphs aren’t fluid. I read one blog entry which felt as if it spanned forever; there was no use of format so I found myself skimming ahead. Obviously since this is my blog and for recreational use; I should use it accordingly and write as much or as little as I wish. Heh.

The internet is a scary tool!

   Let me ask you this – Have you ever Googled ‘your name’? How about a popular screen name you go by? I Googled myself, first my whole name which got a couple hits; Myspace, Deviant art, a photography site, Facebook and then something scary. My phone number, my previous address, things I purchased off of Amazon and then incorrect information relaying I’m older than I am and have had a baby. That explained why I kept getting coupons for diapers from Huggies/Nestle. Then I googled a SN I’ve used since I got rid of AOL; I had over 6 pages of information piled up. This is because I continuously use this name. Like a given name on a birth certificate – this/ or should I say, that was, my legacy? A personal brand? Definitely not a house hold brand or famous corporation name but summed up that one name was greater than my given birth name, which is fine since the SN I used is my Hebrew name.

Back to explaining how the internet is scary. When I signed up for this site – I opted out of third party tracking information yet this does not exclude my mobile phone. Think of a puppy with ticks, Oh Google! Your sneaky ADs popping up from sites I had previously visited! Someone obviously is stalking me and saying ‘ Hey spend your money, look at this tea cup, these sneakers, thisthisthisandTHIS! We have a sale~! ‘  (I imagine the last part of that sentence said in a slight gayish crescendo.) It doesn’t stop on the internet either, the junk mail I’ve kept a handle on physical junk mail. Yet the spam in my inbox! I understand signing up on a site gets those inside discount deals but the amount of sales that occur! When I got my first smart phone (Samsung galaxy 3 when it first came out), I suddenly stopped using my computer because I could use my phone almost anywhere.

I’m not exactly on the top of my game, I’ve yet to master live tiles and HATE my laptop because it screams MICROSOFT PROGRAMS ARE ELITE, LOG ON WILL BE YOUR HOTMAIL ACCOUNT SO REMEMBER THAT PASSWORD OR YOU’RE SOL! I’ve yet to encounter malware on my mobile but those third party trackers love to hop a ride. I wish I knew how to de-louse without having to go from site A to B, C, and Z. That’s not the worst though, I don’t MIND the strange trackingticks that hopped a ride on my mobile devices; what really gets my goose is the human part of this equation. The people you know, or sort of know, the acquaintance or WORSE a family member/in-law. This brings me back to WHY I went to *Therapy, WHY I don’t feel comfortable using my grandfathered SN, WHY I’ve avoided taking photos of children, people, advertising my trade that would have definitely earned me some revenue and the use of connecting to social media creating a full circle.

I’ve been abused by a parent, not understood by either of my parents and family – I refused to be social because of this lack of understanding and the violence in my childhood. I DID have good moments but those were greatly due to the availability of television. By now a person who has not experienced similar Trauma as mine would say, ‘This is an excuse you’ve created to stop yourself from living. ‘ or simply ‘Get over yourself, everyone has problems.’ Which is a very valid point, and sadly the only thing I can say is – ‘When you carry a lifetime of fear, the inability to trust – lack a supportive circle of PHYSICAL people to comfort you and understand – grouped along with the unforeseen death of Mother and later estranged Father; PLEASE come back and tell me how to move forward. I am seriously asking, ‘How can I work thru this – NOT around this’.

My mother died Labor day weekend, it will be SIX years since she has passed on, I’ll light a Yahrzeit candle and think of how this could have been avoided. I’ll think about when comes Yom Kippur and how my Grandmother lights more than TEN candles for all her deceased loved ones – Will I live to be that old and be able to mourn without being the shut in I am now?

Now that I’ve made myself properly depressed – I’ll drop a link to a light novel I’ve been keeping tabs on. I personally wished once in my life I could write a fantasy novel- if so, it would run along a similar line to No Game No Life

A light novel series written and illustrated by Kamiya Yuu

No Game No Life


And now to empty my bladder; Thanks for reading,

– Bad touch Bear




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